100 Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts
by Shyma Tavrott Lupin
Summary: The title says it all, 100 things one such as myself am not advised to do at Hogwarts.
1. 100 Things I Will Not Do At Hogwarts

**Just a little something that I just had to do after reading the amazing author, Unsharpened's list on her own profile. A lot of these are based on hers but for the most part they're mine =] Enjoy!**

**100 Things I am not allowed to do at Hogwarts: **

1) Seamus Finnigan is not after me lucky charms

2) I will not sing "we're off to see the wizard" when sent to the Headmaster's office.

3) I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class

4) I will not diagnose Voldemort with cancer because of his unnaturally bald state

5) I will not ask Professor Flitwick if his first name is Yoda

6) I will not send Lupin a flea collar for his birthday

7) I will not feed first years to Fluffy

8) I will not make any jokes about Lupin and his "time of the month"

9) I will not give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince him they're real animals

10) I will not sing the Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin quidditch matches

12) When Death-Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade, I shall not point at the Dark Mark and shout "To the Bat Moblie, Robin!"

13) When a class-mate falls asleep, I shall not take advantage of the fact and draw a Dark Mark on his arm.

14) I will not burst out singing Werewolves of London every time I see Lupin

15) I will not throw a boggart in front of Hermione just to see the look on her face when she sees a failed exam

16) I will not look at Dumbledore and gasp "Professor! You have a white hair!"

17) I will not hex Slytherins into oblivion every chance I get

18) I will not pick up where the Marauders left off and begin to call McGonagall "Minnie"

19) Its not necessary for me to yell "Bam!" everytime I apparate.

20) I will not attempt to poke Moody's fake eye simply because it's that tempting

21) I will not tease Moaning Mertle about her obsession with Harry....or his chest....

22) I will not make lightsaber sounds with my wand.

23) I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue and call them smurfs.

24) I will not slip Lupin a Love Potion in his morning goblet of Pumpkin Juice.

25) I will not say the phrase "Dude, get a life" to Voldemort.

26) Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I will not start singing anything from The Phantom of the Opera.

27) I will not refer to the Accio charm as "the Force".

28) I will not call Dumbledore "Santa Claus!" during the Christmas Holidays.

29) I will not put Muggle fairy book in the History section at the library.

30) I will not send Snape a bottle of shampoo for Christmas.

31.)I will not use Umbridge's quill to write, "I told you I was hardcore".

32.) I will not take Dobby for a night out at the bar just to see him drunk out of his little elf mind

33.) I will not start a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against Dark Arts teacher.

34.)I am not allowed to tell Hufflepuffs there is no Santa Clause.

35.) I am not allowed to refer to myself as the a Jizard, combination of a Jedi and a Wizard.

36.) I am not allowed to create a mass petition of the entire school(professors included) to get Lupin back as the Defense teacher, seeing as he doesn't have Voldemort strapped to the back of his head, he isn't a complete nutjob, he isn't an imposter, he isn't a toad faced ministry loving piece of pure evil, a grease haired git, or relatively near insane.

37.) I am not allowed to steal Professor Flitwicks wand, hold it over my head and laugh as he tries to reach it.

38.)I will not replace Madam Pomfrey's Skele-Gro with pumpkin juice.

39.) I will not replace Professor Snape's pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro.

40.) I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions class.

41.) I will not tell Rita Skeeter that Gilderoy Lockhart is waiting for her for a date at the Three Broomsticks

42.)I will not feed first years to Aragog either

43.)When applying for a post at the Ministry of Magic after graduation, I should not cite "The Marauders " as my greatest influence at Hogwarts.

44.) Putting down "Fred and George Weasley" probably isn't the best idea either...

45.) A Muggle "vacuum cleaner" is not acceptable Quidditch equipment, even if it has been enchanted to fly.

46.) Nor am I allowed to feed the little scum first years to Lupin during full moon...

47.)I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I prophesied her death.

48.). I will also not tell Professor Trelawney that I had a vision of her killing the Dark Lord.

49.) I will not ask McGonagall if she has a thing for Dumbledore, as strongly as I believe she does.

50.) I will not use the Room of Requirement as a party hall to annoy the magic out of Umbridge

51.)I will not call the Ghostbusters as a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.

52.)I will not have a private army of Jizards.

53.) I will not substitute chocolate-flavored laxative for Professor Lupin's prescription-strength chocolate.

54.)Nor am I to in any way substitute, alter, hide, or otherwise tamper with Professor Dumbledore's candy.

55.)I am not the wicked witch of the west.

56.) -I will not refer to Professor Umbridge as such either.

57.) I will not melt if water is poured over me.

58.) -Neither will Professor Umbridge.

59.)I shouldn't use Photoshop to create incriminating photos of my house prefects or tutors.

60.)I will not enchant the Golden Snitch to fly up the nearest fan's nose.

61.) I do not know the Avada Kedavra curse, and pretending I do to people who annoy me is not funny, no matter how much they injure themselves diving for cover.

62.) I will not test my Potions assigments by spiking Snape's drink with them.

63.) - Especially not all of them at once.

64.) I will not try to sell Gilderoy Lockhart's used tissues to his shallow little fangirls

65.) I will not claim my X-Files tapes are "Auror Training Videos."

66.)I will not shout out that Snape has greasy hair at random in the middle of his class.

67.)I am not able to see the Grim Reaper, nor am I to claim that he is standing by the Headmaster, tapping an hourglass and looking at him impatiently. Or, for that matter, Harry Potter.

68.)When being interrogated by a member of staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce 'These are not the droids you are looking for'.

69.)Thestrals do not resemble the Muggle toys known as 'My Little Pony'.

70.)The four Houses are not the Unrealistic Heroes, the Borons, the Smarts and the Junior Death Eaters.

71.)I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.

72.)Despite my personal beliefs, Quidditch would not improved by the introduction of muggle firearms.

73.)Though they are doubtless more athletic, battle-axes are not acceptable either.

74.)I will not claim that Luna is indeed crazy and in need to be locked up in the cookoo shack

75.)I will not use the Marauder's Map for stalking purposes.

76.)I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.

77.) I am not allowed to ask Professor Dumbledore how old he exactly is...or if I can guess his age starting from 250.

78.)I will not hire The Remus Lupins, Harry and the Potters, Draco and the Malfoys, The Whomping Willows or The Moaning Myrtles to play at the Yule Ball

79.) I will not claim that Ms. Norris is demented and then perform an elaborate exorcism on both her and Mr. Filch.

80.) Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are not the magical equivalent of "Batman and Robin".

81.) Nor is Dumbledore the magical equivalent of Gandalf

82.) I will not attempt to assassinate Umbridge with every chance I receive

83.)I will not play the Imperial March theme when Professor Snape walks into class, slamming the door, shutting the blinds, pulling down the over head and demanding "Turn to page three hundred and ninety four."

84.). - However, when Lucius Malfoy visits, I may play it.

85.) I will not turn to Lupin and scream "ZOMG IT'S ALEX CARPENTER!!!!"

86.) I will not attempt to steal Hermione's arithmancy homework

87.)I should not refer to Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle collectively as "Team Rocket" either.

88.)I will not grab Ron by the collar and growl "Just tell her you love her goddamit!" and then proceed to threaten him into taking Hermione out

89.)I will not walk up to Snape with a cup and put it over my mouth and yell "NO I AM YOUR FATHER"

90.)I will not introduce Cho and Cedric to Bella Swan just to see the biggest catfight in the history of catfights.

91.)I will not charm the Slytherin common room to be gold and burgundy

92.)I will not stand up on the table during the great feast and announce that Dumbledore is gay

93.)I will not charm a poster of Britney Spears on Draco's wall

94.) I will not tell Draco that he has an uncanny resemblance to Eminem

95.)-And then explain to him who Eminem is

96.) I will not persuade Harry, Ron and Hermione to join me in making a potion that will go horribly wrong and send us back to the time of The Marauders so we can change the future

97.) I will not attempt to give Harry laser surgery to remove his scar

98.) I will not dye my hair red and proclaim myself to be a Weasley

99.) I will not turn into an animagus and join the Marauders every full moon to accompany Lupin and become the first ever girl Marauder

100.) I am not under any possible circumstances whatsoever allowed to make a list of 100 things that I am not allowed to do at Hogwarts simply so I can go on and do them.

**Lol, so what'd ya think? Be sure to tell me which ones you liked the best! =] **

**Reviews are appreciated!! =]**


	2. 100MORE Things I Will Not Do At Hogwarts

**So here's another 100 things I'm not supposed to do at Hogwarts! I wasn't planning on doing this but my imagination couldn't possibly finish with just 100 things XD lol so once again with a bit of help from Unsharpened's work here is 100 MORE Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts. **

**Plus, be sure to go and read a companion piece written to this story by candygirl1404. It's a story about the 100 reasons, and here's the link to it: ht tp : // www . fanfiction . net /s/ 5509657 /1/ Chaos_in_the_halls_of_Hogwarts **

**Be sure to take out the spaces in the link, I just put them there because for some reason fanfiction doesn't allow links = (**

**Anywhoooo, onto the list XD**

**100 MORE Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts**

1) I will not call the Huffelpuffs pansies…that means you too Cedric

2) I will not make a list of smart ass nicknames to describe Neville and his teeth

3) I will not hit on the defense teacher *cough* the *cough* sexy *cough* werewolf *cough* him *cough*

4) I will not refer to Hagrid as the Big Friendly Giant

5) I will not ask Professor Binns repeatedly if stuff just flies through him

6) I will not attempt to make Nearly Headless Nick, just Headless Nick

7) I will not refer to Cedric as pale and possessive

8) I will not intrude upon Lupin while he is trying to comfort Harry and tell him that Sirius's death was not his fault, by rudely screaming "YES IT BLOODY WELL WAS!"

9) I will not strap a harness to James Potter and proclaim him to be one of Santa Claus's (a.k.a Dumbledore's) reindeer

10) I also will not strap a harness to Sirius and proclaim him to be a sled dog

11) I will not plant rat traps around Peter Pettigrew's bed

12) –Or continuously taunt him with cheese

13) I will not point at Crookshanks and scream "CHEWBACCA!"

14) –Or make deep grumbling wookie noises at him

15) I will not mistake Crookshanks for a rug

16) I will not write in enchanted edible ink and feed it to Sirius just so I can tell Snape that the dog ate my homework

17) I will not refer to Snape as "YOU GREASY HAIRED GIT!"

18) I will not give Lupin chocolate pancakes with chocolate syrup and chocolate milk first thing in the morning just to see him bounce off the walls for the rest of the day

19) I will not run up to the Fat Lady and scream "ZOMG BEHIND YOU! IT'S SIRIUS BLACK!"

20) I will not do a double take upon seeing Cedric and say "Did you get a tan?"

21) I will not tell the first years that the person that gets by the Whomping Willow will earn eternal fame and glory

22) I will not randomly start singing the "Potter Song" in the middle of potions…Potter Potter Potter Potter, Weasley Weasley!!

23) I am not allowed to tell the first years that thestrals eat little children while they're sleeping

24) I will not point at Dean Thomas and scream "ZOMG IT'S CHRIS ROCK!"

25) I will not steal Lupin's secret stash of chocolate, in fear that I may be eaten next full moon

26)I will not ask Snape if he liked Lily or not

27) –And then accuse him of being gay if he says no

28) –And then accuse him of having a thing for Lupin, because everyone loves him! Students, teachers, girls…guys…

29) I will not run around muggle London screaming "MAGIC IS REAL! THE FORCE IS REAL! THE JIZARDS ARE OUT TO GET US ALL…..I'M NOT CRAZY!!!"

30) While Snape is walking by, I will not accidentally say "Let's play exploding Snape-er I mean Snap…."

31) I will not tell the first years that the Forbidden Forest is the most beautiful during the full moon

32) I will not run up to Professor Trewlany at random, tip over one of her crystal balls and run away

33) I will not pat Lupin's soft brown hair and coo "Good doggy"

34) I will not call Snape "Snivellous" in the presence of Lupin, causing us both snicker, and then get in trouble

35) I will not explain in detail to Hagrid, the meaning of the word "Haircut"

36) I will not accidentally call Dumbledore "Gandalf"

37) -Or ask him if Gandalf is his long lost brother from an alternate universe of hobbits and rings

38) I will not try to give Neville's grandmother a heart attack by telling her that Neville is a squib destined to end up like Mr. Filch

39) I will not steal Lupin's wolfsbane potion during his time of month just to drive him crazy…..literally

40) I will not put a hand on Snape's shoulder, shake my head and tell him "You can never be too old to be emo"

41) I will not claim that Snape's greasy hair is flammable

42) –And then light it up with a flamethrower to prove it

43) I will not give Draco red and yellow socks for his birthday

44) –Or an exclusive Mrs. Weasley sweater for Christmas with a big "D" on it

45) I will not compare Snape's life to Darth Vader's

46) I will not curse Voldemort out in Parsletongue

47) I will not gather all the death eaters and force them to watch The Notebook

48) I will not officially rename Snape "Sevy-kins"

49)I will not shave off Lucius Malfoy's beautiful blond locks off in his sleep

50) I will not refer to Lucius Malfoy as "Luscious Mouthful", laugh at his reaction and then yell "That's what she said!"

51) –And then proceed to explain to him what exactly "That's what she said" means

52) I will not use a sharpie to draw a scar on Voldemort's forehead and scream "HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH??!!"

53) -Or on my own forehead cause it looks cool…that or I could mock Harry with it

54) I will not steal polyjuice potion from Snape's potion closet and then blame it on Harry and his lot because they are so much more likely to have done it

55) I will not sit in front of Tonks and beg/threaten her into morphing for me, for my entertainment

56) I will not transform Draco into a cute little white ferret for entertainment's purposes

57) I will not tell the shallow first year girls that there are unicorns in the Forbidden Forest.

58) –Or that Hagrid will eat them

59) I will not boo very loudly every time someone says Snape

60) I will not replace Snape's lesson projections with tapes of the Potter Puppet Pals

61) I will not sit in the background with my ipod during vital and heroic moments of Harry's life, playing random songs from the soundtracks

62) I will not accidentally wander into Azkaban and bust Sirius open, then tell him to tell the authorities that he did it himself, as not to get in trouble…

63) I will not ask Voldemort why it is impossible to spell his name without "Emo"

64) I will not attempt to dye Hedwig red and yellow

65) I will not randomly walk up to Cedric and scream "SPARKLE FOR ME…NOW!"

67) I am now allowed to use my secret army of Jizards to overthrow Umbridge

68) –Nor am I allowed to use them to raid Honedukes for all their chocolate

69) I cannot hide all that chocolate underneath Lupin's bed and blame him for it either…

70) I will not ask Dumbledore who it was exactly that made him realize he was gay

71) I will not walk up to Sirius, rub my chin thoughtfully and say "Hmmm, you have a rather uncanny resemblance to a friend of mine names Gary Oldman"

72) I will not ask Snape if the way he talks is due to James punching him in the jaw numerous times

73) I will not randomly scream in the middle of Professor Binn's class "YOU'RE DEAD GOD DAMMIT!"

74) I will not walk past guys taunting Harry about the Triwizard tournament and say "Morning, ladies"

75) I will not inform the Ravenclaws that no one really cares about them…

76) I will not attempt to throw Professor Trelawny into the cookoo shack

77) I will not play random remixes of the Harry Potter theme song in the middle of common room, earning strange stares from the others

78) I will not walk up to Snape with Harry, Ron, Hermione, Dumbledore and Voldemort behind me and start singing "Snape, Snape, Severus Snape" (You'll need to have seen Potter Puppet Pals-The Mysterious Ticking Noise to get that one ;) And if you haven't seen it then please do so, it's hilarious)

79) I will not continually mock Lupin by following him around all day, howling very loudly

80) I will not send a howler to Snape from "The ghost of Lily"

81) I will not start babbling about muggle things to Ron and make him confused beyond his red little head

82) I will not look at Lupin's boggart and scream that he is afraid of bubbles

83) –Then I will not tell Moaning Myrtle that due to his fear of bubble, unlike Harry and Cedric, he won't be taking a shower/bath with bubbles *grins evilly*

84) I will not use the stolen polyjuice potion from # 54 to turn into Lily and tell Snape that I always liked James more. And if he doesn't start treating Harry better, I would continue to taunt him about how much of a pathetic looser he is.

85) –And if he refuses and says he didn't like me either then I'll wail "It's because you fancy Remus, isn't it?!"

86) I will not attempt to see if Snape's boggart is Lily running off with James…or himself wearing Neville's grandmother's clothes…

87) I am not allowed to throw various objects at the back of Professor Binns's head while he's writing on the chalkboard, just because it's so amusing to see things fly through him like that

88) I will not blow away the bastard that chops off Fred's ear, or the one that kills him

89) I also will not bodily injure and/or torture the bastard that kills Lupin

90) I will not accuse Luna of stealing my sanity

91) I will not use the Whomping Willow as a thrill ride

92) I will not slap the crap out of Harry when he's being an ignorant little prick just before Sirius's death

93) I will not use the overused "Are you serious?!" "No, he's Sirius" joke over and over

94) I will not mention what happened with the flying car when Mrs. Weasley is blowing up on Ron, just to get him in more trouble

95) I will not paint Harry's glasses black to make them look like shades

96) –Then make him wear a tuxedo, hand him a glass of martini (shaken, not stirred) and make him introduce himself as "Potter. Harry Potter"

97) I am not allowed to unleash an army of Pygmy Puffs on Snape

98) I will not ask Snape if he needs a hug

99) I will not ask Luna where she keeps her secret stash of "Scooby Snacks"

100) I will most definitely not make a list of ANOTHER 100 things I am not allowed to do after loosing the previous list.


End file.
